Friendships are complex.

So I was talking about friendships in my previous post and it seems to me from all the comments that people do prefer friends to be honest with them. Okay, so it wasn’t exactly a huge sample for me to be drawing any conclusion but common sense prevails, no?

That said, aren’t we mostly all righteous and philosophical but when it comes down to the real deal, the Real McCoy, we tend to shy away from confrontations with friends? I mean, I can totally understand the discomfort of telling your friend that he or she has smelly feet, body odour or an attitude change.

I’ve once read somewhere that human beings are accommodating beasts. I agree with that. I mean, I have friends who are still hanging out with an ex-friend (to me) who is a known molestor. And I in turn, accommodate to my friends’ choice of friend even though I’m a victim. I’ve never asked them to sever their relationships with him or sever mine with them. Although I would have loved that this person be punished in some ways but well, one friendship is already a complex thing. Put so many together in one pot and we’ve got ourselves an anthropological bender.

Anyway, I’ve said too much already.

Just one last thing….a friend who touched one of your friends inappropriately and a friend who said the wrong things to one of your friends. Which one would you choose?

No brainer? Trust me, you would be absofuckinglutely surprised.

As for what kind of friend I am. Well, I’m certainly not the kind you would like to take out in public.


16 thoughts on “Friendships are complex.”

  1. As bitchy as it may sound, at the end of the day, the only true friend you have(and can trust) is you yourself. Not even the bf nor the wife, husband etc etc

    You asked whom does one choose, “a friend who touched one of your friends inappropriately and a friend who said the wrong things to one of your friends”.

    I would instead like to ask the following. Whom do you feel weary more, a “friend” who spreads lies about you or the supposedly friend who listen to these “lies” and believe it outright without checking with you?

  2. It’s best to have honesty in friendship – to a point (ie. no one really wants a truthful answer to “Do I look fat in this?” / “Do you fancy my bf?”)

    But it’s true – you have to place your friendships in a ‘dartboard’ mode..some you’ll keep along the outer ring as acquaintances, and a select few will be privileged enough to be in your inner circle.

    And how on earth did you manage to get your whole face in that glass?!?

  3. Kim: Wow. So accomodating, all right. I would have caused a ruckus and made sure everyone knew. Then, it would be up to everyone else whether or not they want to forgive him. Otherwise he wouldn’t be remorseful. I mean, what happens if he molests other girls……

    to long pants:
    “only true friend you have(and can trust) is you yourself. Not even the bf nor the wife, husband etc etc”

    holy crap. It must suck to go through life thinking like that. Better not get married then.. or is it only for financial or physical purposes…

    sure, people disappoint you every once in a while becaus no one is perfect. But you should have at least 5 people in your life that you know looks out for you. cheer up, long pants, be a better person, and you will attract similar people to live a pleasurable life with you. May you be well and happy!

  4. longpants: i have to disagree. that’s too pessimistic for me. for instance, i have unwavering trust in both my parents, boyfriend and a few selected friends. my family is fiercely loyal and i exercise a lot of caution when it comes to making friends. maybe that’s why today I have not experienced any form of betrayal that warrants a loss of trust in people. as for your question, i would have snubbed both of them. i’ve never had trouble purging toxic people out of my life.

    beetrice: i can understand how difficult it is for someone to speak honestly for the other party to accept it, truth hurts afterall. that said, in cases where honesty will break a frienship, i think it doesn’t really matter anymore. what im trying to say is that in instances where honesty would have helped mend a friendship, wouldn’t it be worth the discomfort of telling the truth? p/s: i insist on my friends telling me whether i look fat in that dress!

    gato: no prob :) thanks for dropping by too

    CH: i was in shock. by the time i gathered myself it was too late. i asked a couple of friends about it and they all chose to continue be his friends nonetheless. so, it’s their choice.

    suertes: wtf.

    ky: f.o.s

    nicole: why thank you miss!

  5. Longpants – no one can trust themselves, else they’d stick to their diets and other things where they disappoint themselves. Let’s face it NO ONE, not even ourselves is perfect and as such we all fall short of being the perfect friend. So, learn to trust as though we’ve never been hurt by our friends and keep a wary eye out for those we can’t trust.

    Kim – If this friend who touches people inappropriately is a girl, I think I’d like to meet her [I need all the physical contact I can get at my age] … else, I’d probably ditch both of those friends. Why keep one? You’re presenting what’s called the double bind, a choice between one evil or the other. Of course, it depends on the situations in both those cases.
    Someone can ‘ACCIDENTALLY’ touch someone inappropriately. I know because I once reached behind me to shut a wardrobe door when I was putting a guitar away and accidentally grabbed someone else’s butt rather than the door … luckily they burst out laughing as they knew it was an accident. In another case once when they were playing tag at Church one of the male fellowship leaders went to tag a girl who ducked and he grabbed her on the boob … yes, it was hilarious and the girl laughed herself silly whilst the poor guy turned bright red. So, we have TWO cases of accidentally touching inappropriately. What if when I shut the door the person whose butt I grabbed didn’t know it was an accident? What if when the guy went to tag the girl she thought he’d done it on purpose? Two cases easily mistaken for molesting.
    As for the lying etc, yeah, I’ve ditched friends for that, and other times I’ve forgiven them and kept them a friends. All depends on WHAT they’ve said and how bad it was or even if it was done on purpose, maliciously etc.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doubting your choice about the molester you aren’t friends with now, because I don’t know the situation. BUT, that’s my point. Unless there are plenty of witnesses it comes down to one friends word against another and if it was an accident, then how can we truly know?

    I mean, my ex [back when I was married] once grabbed my testicles and crushed them in order to force me to have sex with her [at about 1:30am mind you on a work night – don’t worry girls, the testicles still work fine – guys, yes I can feel your eyes watering from here]. Yet, she didn’t lose one single friend even through our divorce etc because her friends were too busy making up excuses for her behaviour. [Remembering she also tried to insure me for $1 Million and kill me and also had an affair and got pregnant to another guy].

    So, people often DON’T chose friends by what they do, but simply by who they want to be friends with [and those reasons can be awfully complex]. That’s why people often cover up for murderers and rapist and other heinious people. I mean, how many friends did Adolph Hitler have when he was powerful? Lots!!!

    Then, there is the other side of the coin. People who make genuine mistakes, end up in a mess and all their friends desert them! Do not true friends stick by you? But, like you say, they are the ones who will tell you your feet stink, so they’ll tell you they disagree with what you did, but will still try to help you in your situation. [And I don’t mean you help them get off. Like, if your friend murders someone, I expect you to convince them to confess to the police and then stick by them as they go through the trial … if that makes sense].

  6. the thing is one must not be too hasty or judgmental. I think it is okie to say be wary of a person but dont do anything unnecessary like telling everyone about it unless “the victim” is the one who tells and then you are forced to choose. one can never actually be sure what happened.

  7. big boys oven: thank you for the compliment. and man if i were single i would woo you so bad! you’re every woman’s dream!

    beenee: thanks :) who knows we might meet in real one day and be real friends

    dabido: no mistake about the asshole, in fact im not the only victim. he’s intelligent and jolly, why let something as tiny as itchy molesting paws to obstruct the friendship? i guess things don’t really hurt till it hurts real close to home.

    shadowfox: ah dont be a horn dog -_-

    sweetheart: maybe u missed parts of my post, i’m the victim and I know a few girls who are too. i don’t think it’s fair to ask your friends to choose, if they can still see good in the asshole, it’s their choice. it hurt but i’ve come to terms with it.

  8. Kim – Well, as you’re sure it’s not an accident [like I said before, I wasn’t doubting you as I don’t know the situation]. Also, as you’re not the only victim if you were in Aussie it might be a different case, as numerous people coming forward to complain about someones sexual misconduct and [hopefully] witnesses to the events would lead to a conviction. [Including possible jail time for the molester]. In Malaysia it’s probably not as easy. Is it worth trying to pursue this?

    Sexual misconduct is a serious thing and should not be pursued lightly.

    It’s easy to ruin a persons reputation [and I mean the molester / accidental molester / victim / witnesses etc]through rumour and inuendo, which is why it’s important to be sure and have enough evidence to pursue anything legally.
    [The Simpsons Episode with the Venus De Gummi is another example of mistaken sexual misconduct … not that it matters as I think we’ve already established it isn’t an accident].

    In some places the courts prefer to err on the side of a victim, whilst in other countries they err on the side of the molesters [mainly as they’re male ego centric countries and the molesters are usually male].

    But, between the two choices [of being friends with a molester or a liar, it still comes down to the situation etc].

    I’m sure I could write forever on this subject. lol

  9. dabs: haha yeah you could write forever! it’s hard for me to explain on my blog about this situation. and as it is, i think i’ve said too much on the post already. it happened a while ago and i’ve tried to move on from the incident and the reason why i’ve brought it up again is because something has happened in my circle where a friend is sort of being ousted for his cocky attitude whereas this molester’s behaviour was never questioned, in fact merely being brushed off as mere friskiness, as merely a product of his jolly demeanor. i was hurt to see this happened and that was why i needed to blog about it. but i’m fine now, and i’d be very glad to close this chapter here :)

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