February 28, 2008 - Narcissism is Necessary

Archive | February 28, 2008

Battle of the Tongue Cleaners.

Tongue Scrapers. I wonder how many people actually use them. Heck, I wonder how many even know what it is. Well, it’s not the fancy name of a new candy in town.

When I first saw the incriminating pictures of Edison Chen and Cecilia Cheung, the first thing that hit me was Cecilia Cheung’s tongue. Seriously, would you put your private bits on that waxy, cheese coated tongue? Okay maybe if the tongue belongs to someone that does look like Cecilia Cheung, but not everyone looks like her, you know what I mean. So hang on, check the tongue before your bits fall off to the ground.

Cecilia Cheung's dirty tongue.
Dirty tongue. Eh shit, forgot to censor his pubes -_-

If by now you’re still in the dark…Tongue Scraper is used for scrapping your yellow (or in some cases white), waxy tongues during your oral hygienic rituals.

My mom is an active proponent for the usage of Tongue Scrapers, and like her I’ve grown attached to the unassuming piece of plastic. And that is why, I am so bothered by the impending doom of my beloved tongue scraper.

Tongue scraper
Tongue Scraper.

I had a bleak revelation while out shopping trying to find a decent Tongue Scraper for my boyfriend, who had promptly dropped his into the toilet bowl. And I thought shopping for the perfect shoes was hard. It seems like Tongues Scrapers are slowly being phased out and replaced by it’s bigger and fatter cousin, I call it the Fatty Boom Boom. And I just, for the life of me can’t understand why is this happening?

Fatty Boom Boom
Fatty Boom Boom….slowly replacing the humbler, leaner Tongue Scraper.

So I did some research and came out with these comparisons. I call it, the Battle of the Tongue Cleaners.

PRICE

After an exhausting search for the elusive Tongue Scraper, I gave up and succumbed to the bulky Fatty Boom Boom. For RM3 freaking 90. It was actually the cheapest one I could find. The price of Fatty Boom Booms range from RM3.90 to up to RM18.90, and they all look the same – bulky.

The old school Tongue Scrapers? They cost about RM3.50 for THREE and they last forever.

And so, in battle of the price……Tongue Scraper wins.

RM3.50 for 3.
RM3.50 for 3.

SIZE

The Tongue Scraper measures 14.5cm in length and 0.5 cm at its widest.

The Fatty Boom Boom measures 12cm in lenghth and a ghastly 4cm at its widest.

Which one would you bring on a trip? Which one would fit better in your Ikea embellished puny apartment?

And with the spirit of minimising everything in these modern times, it’s absolutely Neanderthal to turn Tongue Scrapers into something bigger.

And so…in the Battle of the Size, Tongue Scraper wins.

Lean, slim and portable.
Lean, slim and portable.

MAINTENANCE

Lets have a look at both tongue cleaning tools again.

Fatty Boom BoomTongue Scraper.

Which one do you think is easier to clean?

Due to the ergonomic of the Tongue Scraper it will take about 3 seconds to wash off all the gunk.

As for the Fatty Boom Boom, lets see…..1 second to get your fingers caught, a couple of minutes to wash the gunk off, another couple of minutes to REALLY get the gunk off, a couple of minutes to get the gunk off the bends and corners, a few more minutes to wash your hands.

Fast forward to 2 hours later, more sunlight. You’re wide awake. Nature calls. You enter your bathroom, see dried tongue gunk on your Fatty Boom Boom and you have to wash it again. And because the gunk has already fossilised, you have to use your finger nails to scrape the shit off. Who’s cleaning who now?

It’s a fast paced life we’re living now and would you want to spend 10 minutes cleaning a f–king tool used to scrape your tongue?

Winner….Tongue Scraper.

Low maintenance.
Low maintenance.

AVAILABILITY

Once upon a time, Tongue Scrapers were as common as your toothbrush. But that’s no longer the case. For the oddest reason, this nifty apparatus is fast disappearing from the market shelves and is being replaced by the big bad Fatty Boom Boom. Personally, I don’t know why this is happening. Perhaps this is an opportunity for unscrupulous companies to get more money by introducing another cleaning tool in the near future, one for cleaning your Fatty Boom Boom.

So, in the Battle of Availability, the Fatty Boom Boom reigns.

It's everywhere!
It’s everywhere!

OVERALL WINNER

The winner of the overall Battle of the Tongue Cleaners is…………Tongue Scraper!

All around winner.
Champion of the world.

Bring my Tongue Scrapers back! omg

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