4 Years.

Dear Levi and Lola,

You would have been 4 this year. How time flies. The nightmare of losing you both is now a distant memory. I don’t get much affected anymore, in fact when people tell me they have or are having twins (which seems quite the norm these days) I can even keep a straight face and wish them sincere congratulations.

Now and then, mummy still receive requests from parenting medias to share my story of loss and grieve but I always say no. It’s not because I don’t want to keep your memories alive. Afterall, you two took a bit of my heart away when you left, and that will always, always hurt. I guess I just don’t really want to be defined by this loss anymore. Girl gotta move on, you know.

Your brother has just entered Year 1 and thriving, while your little sister has become the most articulate 2.5 year old in the world. Yes, thank you kids, for her.

Just yesterday I asked her what happened to her pee (we are in the midst of potty training), she exasperatedly exclaimed, “In my diaper lah!”. She’s a total riot.

Daddy is doing well. Working from home a lot due to the pandemic, which is great for us as we can see him often. Oh yes, there is a pandemic going on now and most international borders are closed. You have to wear a surgical face mask everywhere. And you have to sanitise your hands all the time.

You know what, the other day, I realised that if it weren’t for your departure, daddy would still be working at his previous job which I’m certain would have been affected in the current climate. Imagine, furloughed with 3 kids and a sloth for a wife? It’d be bad. But thanks to you, he decided a change of scene was required and found a stable, rewarding job that is recession-proof not long after what happened. Is this a hard reach? Perhaps. Well, mummy is always looking for silver linings!

Also thanks to you, I am the owner of a small crystal business that I absolutely love. I named it after you two. Weird? Absolutely. I don’t care, I love it, I love you.

Thank you for being in our lives, even for such a brief moment. Your positive impact more than made up for the broken hearts you gave us. We love you darlings, always and forever.

2 years.

My dearest Levi and Lola,

Yes, these are your real names my babies. You must be wondering why you’re no longer Apollo and Artemis…afterall the names are rather apt being twins and all?

Well my darlings, remember when mummy and daddy said we were going to keep your names for your future siblings? Well, as it turned out we just couldn’t bring ourselves to do that – because Levi and Lola were the names we had been calling you while you were still swimming in my belly. Recently we finally got our bums around to register your birth certificates, so we decided to go with your intended names.

Can you believe it babies, it’s already 2 years since that fateful day. A lot has changed since! For one, you now both have a little sister named Lily. Lily looks just like Lola, but with a bigger, chubbier head haha. Thank you for gifting mummy with Lily, my dearest as she’s the magical salve that soothes the wounds you imposed on me. No more hard feelings!

TVC

August 18 2017

Typing this from my hospital bed. It’s almost 1am and I suddenly figured I should jot this down for memory’s sake.

This morning, I underwent a minor but still pretty grim procedure called the “transvaginal cerclage” or TVC. An anaesthetist put me under and then my surgeon masterfully sewed a tape around my cervix to keep it shut. All these done via my vaginal canal, yikes! Glad I was blissfully unaware while it was taking place. To add on to the excitement, I was also 12 weeks pregnant!

As you regular readers know, it’s been a roller coaster ride since losing my twins last year. The miscarriage that happened earlier this year did not help matters. It felt like everything was staked against me and all I wanted was just to be a mummy again. To hold my own baby in my arms and take in the same, intense love I felt for Liam when I first set eyes on him.

This pregnancy is very different from the last. I feel ready, I feel sure and I feel confident.

Throwback to four months ago – April 2017. I just had the miscarriage and decided to take a vacation. We went to Japan, where my primary reason was to visit Hakone, the location of the famous baby tree. I had to touch the tree. Unfortunately, long story short, we couldn’t make the Hakone trip and naturally, I was really upset. Instead of Hakone, we were back in Tokyo, so we visited the Meiji Shrine. They sold these lovely charms for different purpose and of course I got one that’s for “safe birthing”. They also have these wooden plaques that you could write wishes on so I got one and started writing wishes to Levi and Lola.

While bending over a table writing the words, I started to break down and cried. I cried like I’d never cried before. I was ugly crying and I didn’t care. It’s the very first time that I sobbed uncontrollably in public. I couldn’t stop myself. I was shaking so badly that Gareth had to help me continue writing on the plaque. Luckily I had already written down what I wanted to put on the plaque on a paper so all he needed to do was to copy my words onto the piece of wood.

I felt so much lighter after that episode. I spent the rest of my holiday in a peaceful, blissful state. I believe that it was the very moment that I let them both go. They had left me, along with the tears I shed at the shrine. I was finally ready to move on and step forward with my life. 

After the trip, we went on to conceive our daughter and here I am, on this hospital bed.