March 5, 2010 - Narcissism is Necessary

Archive | March 5, 2010

Naked stick people under the table.

When I was very young, I used to lie on the floor under my parents’ coffee table and drew naked people all over the underside of the table. I totally forgot about it until a couple of years later, my Dad flipped the table over to repaint it and there, my childhood curiosity in various colours for all to see. I think I registered embarrassment for the first time. And then anger for not knowing how to react. Even as a child then, I knew I was busted and I felt so angry with myself for not drawing over the naked people and for totally forgetting about it. Well, thanks goodness for younger brother to take the blame.

I find it incredibly hard to control my anger recently. I freak out at the slightest thing. Yesterday, my printer had a paper jam so I tried to pull it out but while doing that, a USB cable which was somehow in the paper slot got pulled through the roller as well and stuck. After 1/2 hour of shoving and pulling we finally got the damn cable out and also the jammed paper, but eversince my printer has been saying “Paper jam. Please remove paper and press OK”. It doesn’t work.

I slapped the damn thing around and punched it. It felt good. Then I contemplated throwing it on the floor and jumped on it till it breaks and cut my feet so I can feel my blood oozing and printing it with blood (take that bitch, I can print better than you stupid Canon MX318). But I refrained, instead I channelled my anger into being a complete douchebag to my bf. I don’t know why can’t I just be cool and send the printer for fixing?

The other day, my bf set a new record on Word Mole game on my BB. There was a feature where he could send in his login/password to submit his score to the general board. Somehow, I was convinced that he had set my Word Mole game exclusively to his nickname and it pissed me off so bad I couldn’t talk to him. In bed, I tried for hours trying to beat his score and when I couldn’t I angrily deleted his score of the game. Then I slept. But when I woke up, I was still angry but another part of me had kind of sobered up, questioning my actions and thoughts. So it’s really like the devil & angel on each shoulder scenario. One was telling me to slap my bf while he’s still asleep and the other was like, “WTF Bitch, chill the eff out!”.

I guess there’s really no point to my post, except that I really want to say; people don’t want to piss me off. And I think the source of my anger was from being found out drawing porn underneath the coffee-table.

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