Seeking my tribe

It’s been more than a year and we are still stuck in the thick of Covid-19 pandemic. Third full-blown lockdown in, and the situation in Malaysia has yet to improve while many other countries are slowly easing back into normalcy. There’s only one to be blamed for this catastrophe and that is a power-grabbing, unsanctioned government with no intellect, planning, rigour, and vision.

I digress. I’m not here to bitch about politics. I’m really here to unload and verbalise my innermost thoughts.

Despite the obvious disadvantages of a global pandemic, it’s been a surprisingly illuminating period for myself. Likely due to the lack of external distractions (not being able to leave the house does that), I’ve found myself far more introspective than before – questioning my relationships, habits, consumptions and more. Mostly my relationships.

So here’s the tea…

My small circle of friends has recently been rendered even smaller. While trimming the fat isn’t unfamiliar to me, this recent pruning still came as a shock to my system namely because of how much I did not expect it. My year started out pretty great, found a group of people whom I thought would become tight friends but as it turned out, it wasn’t meant to be. I would single it down to one person calling the shots and transforming the dynamics but that would be petty, even for petty ol’ me. Long story short, parted ways but that’s okay because I believe I wasn’t fitting in well anyway.

What I did not expect was this minor, even silly misdemeanour to spill over onto another relationship, supposedly a solid friendship (from my perspective anyway). Immediately after being made clear that my side of the story did not matter, I drove home in tears with a sense of deja vu washing over me. I realised that this had happened before and I….I let it happen again. Allowing the same person to mess with me, convinced me how important and loved I am, and then dropped me like a sack of rotting spuds based on fucking hearsay.

Anyway, it is what it is. While I’m now back to square one, I’m frankly quite relieved that I no longer have to be pressured into partaking in pedestrian activities that I did not enjoy. Will I miss pretending to appreciate girly advice seemingly ripped right out of a Seventeen magazine? Nope. Will I miss counting the minutes to go home because everybody is pissed drunk except me? Nope. Will I miss being mistaken for a religious person even after 30 years of “knowing” me? Nope. Will I miss feigning interest in low quality television? Hell nope.

As my blog title suggests, I’m seeking my tribe. Whether I’ll find it or not I don’t know, but I’d sooner be friend-less than to be misunderstood. I’m too old for that shit.

One thought on “Seeking my tribe”

  1. I hear you loud and clear there….the older I get, the more comfortable I am that I have a tribe with only 2 other people in it. I am now comforted by the support from these 2 other people that the vast group could not have afforded me all those years past. You will find your tribe one day, and if not, take comfort in knowing that it is a better life living it with a peaceful and comforted heart, than one with lots of people around yet there is chaos within you

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