“In fact, we struggle incessantly to shake off procrastination. We plan and schedule; we write down and underscore; we promise and make resolutions; we organize and reorganize. Generally, we accomplish a short lived refreshment from procrastination, and then crash soundly back into it.”
I did some reading on procrastination. No, not for the papers. For myself. Have I reached a new height? Then I realised I did it to delay my papers. And gym. And joining that thing I really want to join. And filling up the scholarship form. And finishing 3 books I NEED to read. And 2 books I WANT to read.
“Instead, you threw something together, was satisfied with mediocre, took chances that nothing would go wrong, created a lot of unnecessary stress for yourself, and then plopped down to start procrastinating all over again.”
That sent shivers down my spine. Everytime I receive my academic results, I get quite smug cause I’m thinking, “Hell, a day’s work and I’m getting pretty good marks. If I’ve thrown in more effort I’d be invincible. I am invincible”. Yes, if I have thrown in more effort. If I have! I have not. I did not. I’ll always be second best and that’s so not nice.
“What is perfectionism, then? Perfectionism is a form of rigidity or inflexibility that is marked by three major characteristics: (1) The intense desire to jump in and do things yourself because others just can’t do it right; (2) the insistent attitude that you wouldn’t even start on something if you can’t do it well; and (3) the profound need for closure, indicated by agitation or discomfort should something be left hanging.”
(1) I hate teamwork and I can never be a proof reader. Cause I’d change everything. (2) Have made and broke me. At times when I impulsively take the plunge, I find myself pleasantly surprised. But when I deliberately avoid it, I find myself with loads of missed opportunities that I can’t help feeling regretful about. (3) And you wonder why I eat so bloody much.
“Many resigned procrastinators simply confess, “I’m just lazy” and hope that the explanation suffices. Not by a long shot. Laziness is procrastination out of control.”
I have yet to read this stage. But I was close enough. I’m lucky in a sense that I was too proud to give up. So that kind of held me together….but I was -this- close. I’m glad I made that U-turn, otherwise I would have used that as a regular escape route, probably till I ruin myself.
So yeah, obviously blogging this is part of the problem. I’m just occupying my time in order to postpone what I should be doing. But it’ll end here. I promise myself. You got to do it, Kim.