Warning: Downer article ahead. - Narcissism is Necessary

Warning: Downer article ahead.

I have the cutest son in the world. He is the reason why I want more kids although I haven’t been lucky in that department. It stings whenever I see him getting sociable with other younger kids but, oh well, I suppose it’s not our time yet.

I will admit it, I’m not keen on being pregnant. Not anymore. I used to tell my friends that I loved being pregnant, that I felt most beautiful when I was pregnant. Unfortunately, it is no longer the case anymore. The innocence of being pregnant has lost on me. Sometimes, I wonder if my failure in this respect has anything to do with my trepidation over being pregnant. I do believe my hesitation is just due to fear but maybe truly, I just am not wanting it hard enough? Maybe that’s why I don’t get to keep my babies? Cause you know, Kim doesn’t want a baby hard enough.

I was in the middle of getting my life back when I found out I was pregnant recently. While I was thrilled with the baking bun in the oven, I was also slightly disappointed that we had to suddenly put many plans on hold. Running 10K. Perform an unassisted headstand by the end of the year. See my mum-in-law in England. We were supposed to visit Barcelona and Ibiza too. Resume scuba diving. Oh, and finally visiting Japan! I had to stop all my activities immediately cause I don’t want a baby to fall out of my bits. All those plans evaporated the moment the second line appeared on the stick. Due to my scummy cervix I had to be near my hospital for my entire pregnancy so there was no other options but to stay put, and stay still.

But it’s okay, I found a doctor I liked and we hatched a battle plan to ensure the birth of a healthy full term baby. Alas, I lost it anyway. I wonder what sort of bug I picked up in Lombok? I thought 9 weeks was pretty safe to travel to somewhere near and yet, the heartbeat just stopped. Doc said it could just be chromosomal abnormality but what if it wasn’t? What if it really was the flu? This means I caused it right because I made the decision to go to Lombok? Was it sensible to fly 3 hours in a plane full of people who coughed without covering their mouths? Did I bring this upon myself? I really shouldn’t blame myself but the questions swirl constantly in the mind and cannot be stopped.

Lately I find myself looking at pictures of Apollo and Artemis again. Thinking of the what-ifs. Crying. Wondering why I hadn’t done this and that and hating on people who are happily pregnant with their seconds and thirds. Crying. Finding faults with my husband, with myself, with people I think who should have cared more. Crying. Eating 3/4 of a 9×9″ brownie. Crying. I can’t stand myself like this. And yet, I can’t help it.

I hate that I’m writing this blog post. I hate its tone. I hate its content. I hate that it’s incoherent. I feel weak and lame and pathetic. But I do this because I always seem to feel better after pouring everything out in words.

I am very sad. However, I am not grief stricken. I know the difference between the two. I hope nobody ever has to find out the difference for themselves.


11 Responses to Warning: Downer article ahead.

  1. Leshan March 31, 2017 at 1:02 am #

    I hope you never have to experience such pain again. May your family stay strong and healthy.

  2. SS March 31, 2017 at 1:34 am #

    Do not give up dearie.. pray and pray silently to god, it will come one day. perhaps the next time, really just require you to be home bound.. you never know.. right.. we try all ways.. everything.. just try. but don’t stress yourself out.. but don’t give up. . give you lots of love.. Kim

  3. Tey Cindy March 31, 2017 at 2:29 am #

    hi Kim, I’ve been reading your ups & downs journey; always finding myself at a lost of words to say, staring at the comment box on Facebook – stoned.

    I cannot imagine what you are going through, I only know it must be 1 of the toughest things in the world; given the joy, expectations, love, so much love – then being thrown into an abyss hundred feet below wondering WTH did I do wrong to deserve this!

    I am sad at this aspect of life; – when the universe isn’t fair. You & your family deserve to have everything everyone else can have too. But I’d like to think that there is a right time for everything, so don’t despair & don’t give up!

    You are such a strong, strong woman; never change that. Vent, take a break, cry, or laugh like crazy if you need to. I’m sure you will get better (: Perhaps give yourself some time to rest this year & let things take its course? I hope very soon you will be able to turn the page, find yourself at a new chapter, look back & realise how much stronger you’ve become!

    Big hug to you (although I know Shaolin Tiger’s hug is always gonna be much bigger)! xxx

  4. Anne Cheah March 31, 2017 at 10:31 am #

    Hi Kim, please hang in there, I understand words are merely words and I wouldn’t understand what you are going through right now, but really, please take good care of yourself. I sincerely hope everything will be all sunshine and rainbows for you and your family very soon.

    Do not give up! As cliche as it sounds, what do not kill you makes you stronger. *hugs!

  5. Mela April 4, 2017 at 11:53 am #

    :(

    *hugs*

  6. Anon April 6, 2017 at 7:42 pm #

    You crossed the finish line once.
    And the 2nd time, you were 80% almost there, that’s why it hurt so much. Because of the emotion invested.
    The 3rd time, you were <50% there, it still hurt, don't blame your own actions, you could easily have caught the flu here as well.
    You are still young, miscarriages are really such a common thing.
    Give thanks, stay positive. If it happens, it happens.
    Join an FB support group if you have to, rant things out.

    I couldn't even get to 10% of the finish line.

  7. Spoh April 9, 2017 at 12:52 am #

    What a cruel experience.
    I feel angry for you.
    I want to blame something. Somebody.
    No one deserves this pain.

    Find the warrior in you.
    This really sucky luck needs a beating of its life.

    Crying is good.
    Bottled emotions will consume you.

    Will it get better? Who knows, but grit your teeth and be angry. Don’t compensate.
    And know that we are angry with you.

  8. anonymous April 13, 2017 at 9:15 am #

    hello kim,

    just want to let you know i know how it feels. i had miscarriage 2x since last year. the pain of losing both never goes away eventhough it’s been months.

    take care and don’t give up trying

  9. CS May 18, 2017 at 12:42 am #

    Hi Kim,

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’d give you a big hug if I could. Stay strong!

    Much love, all the way from US.

  10. rita May 23, 2017 at 6:48 pm #

    hi dear Kimberly can u pleaseeee dayre, really miss ur update very much…:((

  11. rita May 26, 2017 at 4:51 pm #

    Welcome back dear love your dayre posts!!!

    I dunno how to comfort u but when u burn jossticks and hell money, we are supposed to also burn “ong seng chi” if we have abortion or miscarriage before..hope this helps <3 <3 <3

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