One year.  - Narcissism is Necessary

One year. 

My dearest Apollo and Artemis, 

One year has passed since you both left me. It’s interesting how I perceive the memory of what happened to us. Remembering, at times feel really foreign, as though it’s just one of the dozens of sad stories of strangers I read on the Internet everyday. There’s a fleeting sadness but I feel hardly any attachment. 

But sometimes, sometimes I feel like everything happened only yesterday. It feels so fresh and raw. My chest would tighten and tears would start flowing freely. This often happen in the middle of the night while I am in bed, when it’s dark, quiet and all I could hear are my own thoughts and your dad’s breathing. 

Well-meaning people tell me that I am still young and that I can give birth again. True, but telling me that does not comfort me. Not in the least. What it sounds to me when they say that is, you both didn’t matter. 

But you both mattered, so much and you still matter to me. Despite your untimely departure, you have made me a better person. I take care of myself better now, and because of that I am a better mummy to your brother, a better wife to your dad (at least I think so). I may still be reduced to a blubbering mess sometimes but it comes with the territory. 

My loves, before this, I used to believe that when people die, they just become extinguished. Finished. That there’s no heaven or hell, no afterlife. The only things left were just memories when somebody dies. However, guess what, I couldn’t reconcile my belief with your deaths, especially when we never even got to make any memory together. What was I to do? 

In desperation, your mummy went to see, wait for it…..a tarot card reader! Hoping to make contact with you guys and all that. Well, of course it was a colossal waste of money but it gave me a taste of comfort I had not tasted for a while since you both left. That encounter made me realise that I needed something in my life, nope, not cake……spirituality! Long story short, say hello to your new crystal-admiring-sage-burning-mummy-formerly-known-as-the-nihilist. I also have an app called Angel Energy Cards on my phone that I may be using a bit too much.

My dearest babies, what a year you had given me. Because of you, I’ve experienced turmoil like nothing I could ever have imagined. Also because of you, I have experienced true joy. The kind of joy that expands my heart and fills me with a sense of contentment, just from something as simple as seeing your brother conquering his fear of coming down a slide. Or seeing your dad walk through the door, sweaty and panting after a night run. 

Thank you for teaching me how to tell the difference between stupid, frivolous things and the important ones. You both have given me the greatest present of all, the gift of clarity.

Thank you my babies. I love you forever and always. 


4 Responses to One year. 

  1. Mal September 1, 2017 at 1:12 pm #

    Hi Kimberly, firstly hugs to you during this trying time and I truly understand how you must feel. It will be a year soon since my two babies passed away and at the same time my son is turning 1. I have no idea what kind of wreck I will be on the day but I have to be strong for my son and celebrate the fact that he is with us now and we ought to celebrate him and his milestones. Hope we can find strength in ourselves to get through this difficult times. Hugs ❤️

  2. Niki September 1, 2017 at 1:42 pm #

    You remain one of the strongest people I know. Much love, Kim! x

  3. Yin September 1, 2017 at 11:56 pm #

    This is so beautifully written. Big hugs, Kim. As little memory as there were, we will remember them for many more years to come <3 thanks for sharing.

  4. Yvonne September 4, 2017 at 7:53 am #

    I can’t believe it’s already been 1 year. I sincerely hope Apollo and Artemis are happy and at peace right now. You’re really brave Kim and your babies will all be very proud that they have such a strong mommy! Take care of your health and keep doing what you do! Probably nothing can ever fill that void that they left in your heart, but that’s okay, remember that it doesn’t need to be filled.

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