Kimberly Low - Narcissism is Necessary

One year. 

My dearest Apollo and Artemis, 

One year has passed since you both left me. It’s interesting how I perceive the memory of what happened to us. Remembering, at times feel really foreign, as though it’s just one of the dozens of sad stories of strangers I read on the Internet everyday. There’s a fleeting sadness but I feel hardly any attachment. 

But sometimes, sometimes I feel like everything happened only yesterday. It feels so fresh and raw. My chest would tighten and tears would start flowing freely. This often happen in the middle of the night while I am in bed, when it’s dark, quiet and all I could hear are my own thoughts and your dad’s breathing. 

Well-meaning people tell me that I am still young and that I can give birth again. True, but telling me that does not comfort me. Not in the least. What it sounds to me when they say that is, you both didn’t matter. 

But you both mattered, so much and you still matter to me. Despite your untimely departure, you have made me a better person. I take care of myself better now, and because of that I am a better mummy to your brother, a better wife to your dad (at least I think so). I may still be reduced to a blubbering mess sometimes but it comes with the territory. 

My loves, before this, I used to believe that when people die, they just become extinguished. Finished. That there’s no heaven or hell, no afterlife. The only things left were just memories when somebody dies. However, guess what, I couldn’t reconcile my belief with your deaths, especially when we never even got to make any memory together. What was I to do? 

In desperation, your mummy went to see, wait for it…..a tarot card reader! Hoping to make contact with you guys and all that. Well, of course it was a colossal waste of money but it gave me a taste of comfort I had not tasted for a while since you both left. That encounter made me realise that I needed something in my life, nope, not cake……spirituality! Long story short, say hello to your new crystal-admiring-sage-burning-mummy-formerly-known-as-the-nihilist. I also have an app called Angel Energy Cards on my phone that I may be using a bit too much.

My dearest babies, what a year you had given me. Because of you, I’ve experienced turmoil like nothing I could ever have imagined. Also because of you, I have experienced true joy. The kind of joy that expands my heart and fills me with a sense of contentment, just from something as simple as seeing your brother conquering his fear of coming down a slide. Or seeing your dad walk through the door, sweaty and panting after a night run. 

Thank you for teaching me how to tell the difference between stupid, frivolous things and the important ones. You both have given me the greatest present of all, the gift of clarity.

Thank you my babies. I love you forever and always. 

Posted in: Emo & Personal, Parenting - Continue Reading

TVC

August 18 2017

Typing this from my hospital bed. It’s almost 1am and I suddenly figured I should jot this down for memory’s sake.

This morning, I underwent a minor but still pretty grim procedure called the “transvaginal cerclage” or TVC. An anaesthetist put me under and then my surgeon masterfully sewed a tape around my cervix to keep it shut. All these done via my vaginal canal, yikes! Glad I was blissfully unaware while it was taking place. To add on to the excitement, I was also 12 weeks pregnant!

As you regular readers know, it’s been a roller coaster ride since losing my twins last year. The miscarriage that happened earlier this year did not help matters. It felt like everything was staked against me and all I wanted was just to be a mummy again. To hold my own baby in my arms and take in the same, intense love I felt for Liam when I first set eyes on him.

This pregnancy is very different from the last. I feel ready, I feel sure and I feel confident.

Throwback to four months ago – April 2017. I just had the miscarriage and decided to take a vacation. We went to Japan, where my primary reason was to visit Hakone, the location of the famous baby tree. I had to touch the tree. Unfortunately, long story short, we couldn’t make the Hakone trip and naturally, I was really upset. Instead of Hakone, we were back in Tokyo, so we visited the Meiji Shrine. They sold these lovely charms for different purpose and of course I got one that’s for “safe birthing”. They also have these wooden plaques that you could write wishes on so I got one and started writing wishes to Levi and Lola.

While bending over a table writing the words, I started to break down and cried. I cried like I’d never cried before. I was ugly crying and I didn’t care. It’s the very first time that I sobbed uncontrollably in public. I couldn’t stop myself. I was shaking so badly that Gareth had to help me continue writing on the plaque. Luckily I had already written down what I wanted to put on the plaque on a paper so all he needed to do was to copy my words onto the piece of wood.

I felt so much lighter after that episode. I spent the rest of my holiday in a peaceful, blissful state. I believe that it was the very moment that I let them both go. They had left me, along with the tears I shed at the shrine. I was finally ready to move on and step forward with my life. 

After the trip, we went on to conceive our daughter and here I am, on this hospital bed.

Posted in: Random Musing - Continue Reading

Heart-shaped ricotta & spinach ravioli with prawns recipe

It’s been a while since I posted any recipe. So I’m pretty excited to share this one because it think it’s crazy delicious. The best thing is that you could substitute the ravioli with any other type of pasta and I’ve made this dish with both linguine and spirali.

So, I’ve gotten my hands on these beautiful heart-shaped ricotta & spinach ravioli from Bottega Mediterranea. They import delicious goodies such as cheeses, pasta, sauces and cured meats from all over Italy and best of all, you can order online and have them deliver to your doorstep! They also have a shop in the middle of Kuala Lumpur where you can eat and shop. But most of all I enjoy the delivery service and its prices; surprisingly very reasonable!

Anyway, before you even begin on this recipe, I implore you to make a huge jar of the non-spicy peri-peri sauce aka Yummy Red Sauce as it’s a very versatile sauce. Besides using it as a pasta sauce, I’ve also used it as a salad dressing as well as marinade for fish, steaks and of course chicken. Basically, follow the peri-peri sauce recipe exactly but omit all the spicy chilis and replace with perhaps 1 or 2 more whole red capsicums. Of course, without the spiciness it becomes a very toddler-friendly sauce too.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, lets get back to my recipe….here are the ingredients:

125ml of Yummy Red Sauce aka non-spicy peri-peri sauce (make it ahead and it will store well for 1.5 months in the fridge)
1 onion, sliced
10 or more cherry tomatoes, halved
250gms of ricotta & spinach ravioli or any type of pasta
10 or more prawns, peeled (I used frozen peeled king prawns)
1/2 cup of parmigiano reggiano, grated (got the cheese from Bottega Mediteranea too)
Salt & pepper to season

First, prepare your prawns. Peel and wash them or in my case, I defrosted the prawns sous vide style at 57 degree celcius for 20 minutes for perfect, succulent prawns.

Then, boil the pasta according to instructions.

While the pasta is boiling, start up your pan with some olive oil and begin sauteing the sliced onions till fragrant.

Next, add the halved cherry tomatoes and saute until slightly softened.

In the meantime, drain the pasta.

Once the tomatoes have softened, add the pasta into the pan.

Followed by the sous vide prawns. If you’re starting with raw prawns, feel free to pan fry them together with the onions first.

Stir in the Yummy Red Sauce.

Mix everything until evenly coated. Taste and season with salt & pepper as needed.

Lastly, grate the beautiful parmigiano reggiano over.

Voila, heart-shaped ricotta & spinach ravioli with prawns…an easy but impressive dish to serve to your loved ones :)

Hope you enjoy this recipe!

Have a wonderful time cooking up a storm!

Posted in: Homemade Recipes, Noodles - Continue Reading