Suspended

I’m in pain. It feels like everything is on hold while the suffering creates itself to remind me that I can’t fool myself; there is a price to pay to get what I deserve. Everything is currently suspended except this paralysing agony that is from me but not controlled by me.

This is not my life. Am sleeping it off till my real life begins. Even then the pain keeps me half awake because being fully asleep would be half-cheating. Nobody can trick it, not even themselves. I’d have to do something more drastic to dull this, numb this.

I just want to not feel anything.

Posted from my Crackberry.

Person 1

Been extremely emo the past few days. So the story is this, I bought a gift for someone dear to me. I had decided for it to be a semi-surprise because I’ve never bought anything like that for anyone. Long story short, I had it specially couriered to Person 1 at the office but lo and behold Person 1 was on leave hence was unable to receive it. It was those special delivery thing with helium balloons and stuff. Sure, you may think that things like this happen all the time but what really upset me was because I had preempted Person 1 at dinner the day before, hence the “semi-surprise”.

Person 1 had acknowledged the fact that I was sending something but yet did not warn me about not being at the office. Basically, Person 1 lied to me. I told another person who was dear to me (Person 2) about it and Person 2 whom btw loves me immensely took the liberty to send an sms expressing how hurt I was to Person 1. Instead of apologising, Person 1 sent me a nasty sms saying how the gift and everything I did was just a trap and how I ruined the day. Well, it really hurt.

And then I started to realise that Person 1 never kept or ever seen using any gift that I had given in the past. I guess it says a lot. Maybe our relationship is just an obligation or worse, a curse to Person 1.

Took me a few days to get over this. I did not think I would blog this, but I need to let it all out. I know Person 2 is also extremely hurt by this and all these while Person 2 has been taking the brunt of most things while Person 1 behaves like a child – inconsiderate and selfish. Granted, Person 2 has character flaws (brash, caustic and hot-tempered) but it was truly Person 1’s doing.

You probably don’t even understand what I’m jabbering about. But I feel lighter already. Thanks.