i find myself incredibly fucking boring. how on earth did i reach this point, blogging about every single trivial thing that I’d done for the past 7 years? admittedly i’ve blogged much lesser these days because it’s becoming clearer everyday to me that i’m about as interesting as watching paint dry. i do, i do want to blog about the cool events that i’ve been attending regularly, but all i could muster up are that i was there, food was good, and then i’d be stuck. everytime i start, i’d be asking myself: who would want to read this? and most often times the answer is none. what is wrong with me? i used to be able to go on and on about some place i’d went or someone i’d met but nothing excites me anymore.

i want to write about charlie. how my heart melts when he looks at me with his puppy eyes. how my heart opens up with happiness whenever he promptly runs to me upon calling him. how i’m so proud that my dog is such a well-behaved mutt. how i feel strangely contented whenever charlie passes a big solid turd that i could pick up and dispose with ease. but would anyone of you waste 2 minutes of your life reading about me and my dog’s poop? seriously.

it’s not all love and bed of roses with charlie. now and then i feel the urge to write about how i wish i had never adopted charlie because my social life has been systematically destroyed. how i regretted getting him whenever i get stuck in a traffic jam while on the way to pick him up from the sitter. how i secretly considered dumping him somewhere whenever i felt like eating at a pet-unfriendly restaurant. there, i’ve said it, sometimes i wish i never had charlie. didn’t i just open myself up for some bashing?

i want to write about the little things in life that crack me up. and some things that get me in a major ass bitch mode. like how when i was dining alone at rakuzen this evening and while i was so happily flipping through the menu, i noticed that all the pages were disintegrating from the bottom upwards and i couldn’t make out a lot of the words printed. yet i was unperturbed and proceeded to order a chirashisushi set and an onigiri – both of which were massive and came with a big bowl of miso soup each. and just very suddenly i was filled with rage because the waitress who took my order knew i was alone but yet did nothing to warn me against the portion of the food. and then i was filled with even more rage because i was paying good money for my dinner at a reasonably classy japanese restaurant but yet they had the cheeks to give me a ratty, tattered menu. and at that moment i wanted to blog about it and rant about it but a while later, i was thinking….could i have made more effort to ask for a change of menu?

maybe i’ve lost that fire in me. i just can’t figure out whether it’s a good or bad thing.

today i got a text from my brother. he’s fighting with my mom. i called mom to check if she’s okay and she seems fine, but after talking about it for a while, i could hear that she was desperately trying to stifle her tears. my heart broke into a million pieces. then i texted my brother and heard his side of the story. nobody’s perfect. not my brother. not my mom and not myself. i had my fair share of stupid arguments with my mother and whenever i think back now, i wish i had the wisdom i have today so i won’t hurt my mom or myself so much then. a lil background on how mad (and i mean mad in the most literal sense – when i was a wee 16 yr old i locked my mom out of the house and taunted her till she almost threw a brick through the sliding doors; and yes i have no doubt i got it from her).

i’m seeing exactly the same thing happening between mom and him now and i wish i could impart this wisdom into my brother – why fight and talk back when you can just smile and admit that you’re a young stupid fool to your mother. we owe that to her, my brother.

i guess then it’s a good thing losing that fire, that fiery temper that hurt so many people and myself. but damn, i wish i still have it while i was at rakuzen.

10 thoughts on “fire”

  1. Quarter life crisis, ah Kim? :P

    About Charlie, I know how you felt man. Having a dog is NO JOKE and I wish I could shake everyone who thinks adopting a puppy is all fine and dandy and tell them GET READY TO LOSE YOUR LIFE because it’s seriously tough. It’s like being a mother but probably a million times worse because at least you can bring babies to restaurants and eventually they grow up and learn how to understand you (thank God).

    Knowing you can’t go out at night and leave the dog alone, can’t go on holiday on a whim, spend half your life worrying if the dog is still alive, I know for a fact I really can’t do it and I really respect you guys for being able to do it man.

    I think I have to stick with cats! NO MORE DOGS!!!!

  2. 365 x 25 does make u wiser i guess. and at least I’m reading Kim and we share the same frustration need to be in the same pet friendly restaurant again n again but, we will still go without 2nd thought cos u r our friend.

  3. I thought I was epic with my mom-fights back then, but I think you just raised the bar :D We were fighting so much that my dad had to make sure we’re not in the same capacity for more than 5 mins.

    I still yell at her nowadays(I’m a jackass)but sometimes I just find myself keeping the rage down, and just sort of act dead even though you wanna scream BITCH PLEASE to her.

  4. your writing is good but i do feel your pain, of writing stuff that we think is a waste of time for others. hence, i seldom blog… mine has been quite a scandal, where i’ve said too much too deep about ppl (cause i thought blogging was a diary, a way to “let it go”) but i was wrong, ppl were hurt, friendships broken and one of the reason the bf and i didn’t work out – because i dissed him to the “world” and on everything else… now, unfortunately, i blog on reviews and “happy” stuff…

    another way, i have a secret blog with a totally different name…. but that too i slowed down in writing, somehow it doesn’t feel the same blogging at my own original blog

    for what’s worth, u’re not the only one (look at kukujiao! heheh) and i like your posts! so keep on writing!

  5. I know what you mean about how nothing seems that interesting or exciting anymore and about losing the ‘fire’ within. I think this might be that dreaded growing up thing I’m always on about. You’re not alone!

  6. I’m gonna borrow this from Suanie!
    I used to fight so much with my mum to the extend that our conversation can’t be more than 10 words (my dad used to count it)! After all we hv been thru, I’ve learn to be more patient & be aware of how she feels. We all learn from mistakes, kan?!
    No worries, you still have my love slow-mo! =)

  7. dave: well thank you.

    mellissa: yeah most likely it’s quarter life crisis. well, at the end of the day seeing charlie’s goofy face is still one of the best things of my day

    ky: rakuzen at desa park city truly stinks. the other time i was there they served my chirashisushi with fucking FRIED RICE, because they didn’t have white rice WTF. i couldn’t believe i agreed to it and it turned out reallly nasty. no more rakuzen at DPC.

    myhorng: i <3 u!

    z: i totally relate, haha

    shimmers999: i contemplated a diff anon blog but i'm afraid this one will become defunct eventually!

    ms. bloom: glad to have a kindred spirit /hugs

    julian: lol i know!

    rachying: i love you too kura2. i guess most daughters go went through a bad patch with their momsies. the best thing out of it is to grow closer to each other.

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