What to blog?
Sometimes I do miss the early days of my blogging. I could share, gloat and rant with youthful abandonment.
It’s not the same anymore. I find it so hard to put my thoughts into writing, afraid of polluting the universe with negative energy. Yes, I sound exactly just that – a kumbaya singing weirdo.
But I do mean every word, I mean it when I say I am trying not to poison my environment with negativity. I believe it and I feel much peaceful and calm eversince I accepted the fact that whatever that I say or write, they linger on for a long, long time.
I do try to be a better, accepting person. I try everyday. In fact I try in my every waking moment. Some days I take to it like duck to water, some days I struggle. I struggle bad.
And sometimes, especially when I haven’t had enough sleep or have had an especially long & hard day, I’d let it take me. The bitchiness, the snarky remarks, the viciousness inside me.
And when the sweet fruit of retribution is there, just lying there?
I long to pick it up and eat the fuck out of it. I will chomp and chomp and chomp, licking the sweet nasty juice off the corner of my lips, and chomp again, spitting the seeds out like they don’t matter. And I would do it all with a smile.
But mostly these days, I close my eyes and I breathe. I count one to ten. I think about how disappointed I would be with myself for succumbing to being a bitch. I don’t like being a bitch….been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
And for what?
For that smidgen of satisfaction from upsetting someone I dislike. Someone I don’t really even know? Why am I upset with someone I don’t even really know?
Yeah, bitchiness is starting to sound a lot like stupidity.