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What Liam says

Liam is turning 3 in two months and with age comes speech. I have to be honest, for a while I was a little worried about his speech. My nephew who is 4 months younger than Liam started speaking a lot sooner and as much as I refused to compare, it’s hard not to. Following a few mums on Dayre and Instagram I also noticed kids his age or younger have started speaking. I couldn’t help but worried if he’s got an impediment due to his prematurity?

Anyway, my worries were unfounded because Liam has started speaking. A lot! From parroting us poorly at first, to just saying “banana” and “no”, he has now gone on to making actual conversations.

As his parents, it’s fascinating to listen to him!

For instance, we were at a cafe near home for lunch. They had some cakes on display.

Liam: Mummy I want cake.

Me and Gareth:

Liam: Mummy, I want eat cake.

Me: Okay you may have cake only if you sit here quietly and finish up your lunch okay?

Liam: /indecipherable grunts

*He normally darts around the cafe running his Hot Wheels on the walls but this time he sat quietly on a regular chair throughout lunch and ate everything without being a pain in my bum! After he’s finished his pasta…

Liam: Finish!!

Me: Yes, well done! You’ve finished your pasta!

Liam: I want eat cake!!

Me:

Me: Hurm, okay lets choose a cake.

*He gracefully let himself down from the chair, walked with me to the cake display and chose a cake WTF.

This in fact took place just moments ago and prompted me to write this blogpost….

Me to Gareth: Do you think we should throw a birthday party for Liam?

Liam: Yes, please.

*Me and Gareth turned to look at Liam.

Liam: I want presents.

Me and Gareth:

Liam: Mummy I want party.

Guess Gareth and I have to start to be more conscious of what we say. Other than cuss words, we usually say whatever whenever because Liam’s just a kid who doesn’t really have an contextual understanding, right? Not anymore!

As the conversations above show, he well and truly understands what’s up.

And this is a picture from said lunch outing. I had told him to wait while I take a picture of the cake, and he did so. Haha.

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Ironies of life

Been drinking my green smoothies everyday, been writing in my gratitude journal everyday, been eating paleo every day (well almost), been doing sun salutations everyday, been meditating everyday, been reading everyday, been getting my shit together everyday and then I got struck by the worst flu while on holiday in Lombok.

I have never been this sick when I was still a cow’s milk guzzling, cheese chomping, sugar inhaling, grain celebrating fiend with poor impulse control. Now that’s irony of life.

Since we were in Lombok, obviously I packed light and was unable to keep myself warm against the intense cold chills that kept striking me. I mean, Lombok was so hot my husband suffered 2nd degree sunburn but there I was writhing and shivering in cold under a duvet. Yeap, fucking ironic.

After suffering for 2 days, which included 7 hours of uncomfortable waiting and shivering (2 in a cafe, 1 on the ride to airport and 4 at the airport) for our flight home (couldn’t kill time anywhere cause I was sick af), I was so glad to be home.

I made myself a glass of fizzy vitamin C, downed it, then a hot cup of lemon & ginger tea which I sipped contentedly. Everything is going to be fine tomorrow, I told myself. Then I went to bed with an equally relieved Liam….not, he was actually in proper beast mode made worse for me by my throbbing headache, aching body and constant chills but lets not get into that now.

The next morning, I woke up woozy and still sick but I had to wake up cause it’s an important day. It’s the day that I was to receive my first progesterone jab in preparation for my cervical stitch as deng deng deng, somebody’s 9 weeks pregnant! Happy days.

Then I went to wee, wiped and guess what’s on the toilet paper? Oh this is becoming such a common theme in my blog now; mucus, blood, plug, whatever.

Told the husband, he made a sad face. I felt like slapping him because he wasn’t helping me at all. In hindsight, it was too early in the morning and he was dealing with lots of sunburn related pain.

Anyway, I drove to the hospital in a sort of daze, all the while chanting in my head, “Baby you are fine, stay with mummy”. Saw my doctor, told him about the chills, fever, flu, and the pee incident earlier. He looked concerned and told me to get on with the ultrasound.

I saw the blob on the screen but doc kept digging into my belly in silence. I just knew. I spoke first, “No heartbeat?”

He sighed and said, “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat, no blood supply”. Maybe cause I was sick so I couldn’t react much. I didn’t cry. He said the fetus died only very recently as it measured right on the chart so he suspected it could be due to my chills/flu but it’s also probably just chromosomal abnormalities.

Doc gave me my options (a) spontaneous abortion, basically letting nature takes its course (b) D&C, which stands for dilation and cutterage, a surgical procedure which increases chances of future preterm labour (which by the way I have already experienced TWICE despite never having the procedure done in my life – irony much? Hahahaha) and (c) medicinal approach but have to go to Singapore as drug isn’t available in Malaysia. I chose option (a).

Went to my car, finally grasping the reality of the situation and had a good cry. Steering wheel beating and all.

3 losses in a row. You’re really fucking with me aren’t you, Universe? And while I am painfully passing out blood clots that could have become my child, I am also dealing with this debilitating flu crap. You win, Universe.

And to top it off, I got a painful toe-curling foil cut (foil version of paper cut) while taking panadol soluble out of its box. I have no words. So, what’s next, huh? Septicaemia from my foil fucking cut? Well, come at me bruv.

# – You, Universe, have a special sense of humour.

This miscarriage does not hurt as much as losing the twins (bloody clots vs fully formed babies – easy maths) but even myself am surprised by how quickly I am with moving on. Instead of sadness & grief I am mostly annoyed. Annoyed by this flu that I can’t seem to be able to shake off, annoyed with not knowing when the bleeding’s going to stop, and annoyed with the uncertainty of whether I would get a complete and clean natural abortion cause I really don’t want to get a D&C.

I suppose my lack of self pity is because statistically it made sense for me to have an early miscarriage, afterall it’s my 3rd pregnancy.

# – From tommys.org

Well, better luck next round. In the meantime, I’m just going to spite the Universe by washing my hair with store-bought shampoo (yeap, I have been cleaning my hair with just water for the past 3 months). Ambik kau.

Ps: cute lil button finally came out with the placenta at 7.30am today complete with teeny fingers, toes, eyes and mouth. I googled pictures of miscarried 9 weekers and damn, you are so much cuter than all the pictures. I am sorry you couldn’t make it. Would have loved you so much. RIP bub.

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From Us to You

It’s been a month since it happened. I have mostly accepted it, I think, but I still have parts that can’t comprehend the loss. The parts that turn me into a mess of tears and breathlessness ever so often. I shall overcome, in time.

When we passed from here to there, we knew your heart would break.
It’s here not there where we reside; in mountains, fields, and lakes.
In the break of each new dawn and when the sun goes down,
In birds and trees and skies of blue, you’ll know we’re still around.
A broken heart we gave to you, no way to take that back;
Grieve for now, but don’t stay long in the hole that’s filled with black.
If we were there and you were here, you would clearly see
That you’re right there and we’re right here, it’s where we choose to be.
So dance and sing and laugh out loud, just like you used to do;
We know it’s hard, but you have to see that we’re right here with you.
And when you feel like crying, try and smile through the tears;
We hope you will remember, we’ll love you for a thousand years.
And when you’re feeling lonely, and you don’t know what to do,
Just close your eyes and read this letter, from us to you.

I didn’t write this poem. I found it in a user review of a spiritual book about grieving. I changed the pronoun to “we” and instantly felt like they were speaking to me. I feel immensely sad reading it but also better at the same time? I don’t know how to explain but this poem helps me. Thank you to whoever that wrote it.

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