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From Us to You

It’s been a month since it happened. I have mostly accepted it, I think, but I still have parts that can’t comprehend the loss. The parts that turn me into a mess of tears and breathlessness ever so often. I shall overcome, in time.

When we passed from here to there, we knew your heart would break.
It’s here not there where we reside; in mountains, fields, and lakes.
In the break of each new dawn and when the sun goes down,
In birds and trees and skies of blue, you’ll know we’re still around.
A broken heart we gave to you, no way to take that back;
Grieve for now, but don’t stay long in the hole that’s filled with black.
If we were there and you were here, you would clearly see
That you’re right there and we’re right here, it’s where we choose to be.
So dance and sing and laugh out loud, just like you used to do;
We know it’s hard, but you have to see that we’re right here with you.
And when you feel like crying, try and smile through the tears;
We hope you will remember, we’ll love you for a thousand years.
And when you’re feeling lonely, and you don’t know what to do,
Just close your eyes and read this letter, from us to you.

I didn’t write this poem. I found it in a user review of a spiritual book about grieving. I changed the pronoun to “we” and instantly felt like they were speaking to me. I feel immensely sad reading it but also better at the same time? I don’t know how to explain but this poem helps me. Thank you to whoever that wrote it.

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Sleep well, our Apollo and Artemis.

It’s been 12 days since I lost my son and daughter to prematurity. They were born at 24 weeks 5 days gestation – 4 weeks away from having a shot at staying alive and 15 weeks away from being actual full-term babies. How do I even begin to describe the saddest day of my life?

The pregnancy

My pregnancy was uneventful apart from the excitement (and horror) of finding out that I was carrying twins. The babies were growing well, I felt happy and relaxed, I did not bleed like when I was carrying Liam.

At every check-up and ultrasound, I was given the all-clear. Other than some concern with my low red blood cells and placenta being a little close to my cervical opening, I was a healthy pregnant woman. My heart skipped with joy everytime I saw my babies on the screen; seeing the outlines of their faces, their hearts beating strong, their arms waving and legs kicking.

Sometimes I couldn’t believe how lucky I was, happily married to a wonderful man who loves me and about to have 3 kids with only two pregnancies. To become a mum of three; 2 sons and a daughter…my fantasy coming true.

I woke up that day a little tired but nothing alarming. That’s what carrying a heavy belly does to you afterall. I made lunch for Liam and myself, folded the laundry, ate tea jelly with red dates that I made the day before and watched The Good Wife. I touched my growing belly ever so often with quiet happiness. I was contented.

And then I chatted with husband on Whatsapp about dinner and with phone still in my hand, I went to relieve my bladder. It was around 6pm.

Finished, wiped and had a quick look at the tissue. When I saw what’s on it, my heart sank to my belly. I quickly tried to recall what stage of pregnancy I was in. Far too soon. My chest ached at the fact.

I messaged Gareth and said “Spotting” instead, eventhough I knew exactly what it was. I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It wasn’t any ordinary spotting, it was my mucus plug coming out. I sent a photo of the discharge to my husband and immediately he knew what it was too.

I still had a little hope, because in my previous experience, Liam was born 20 days after the mucus plug came off. The babies might just make it? I started calling both hospitals (I was visiting two different obygyns in a public hospital and a private hospital). My private doctor was on holiday and my public doctor was at home. I decided to wait till the day after to go to the hospital.

Gareth came home with some dinner and we ate while discussing our options. We tried to stay positive and offered each other scenarios of good outcomes.


By 9pm, my contractions started kicking in. I kept telling myself they’re Braxton Hicks, but I knew they weren’t as they hurt like period cramps. I started timing them and they’re 4 minutes apart.

I started getting really upset. I messaged a friend who knew my public doctor for his personal contact and she gave it to me along with the advice of going straight to the hospital. Decided she was right as perhaps they have injections to help me stop the contractions? So we started packing for the hospital. The reality of what’s going to happen started to dawn on me. In the middle of packing for the hospital, I couldn’t help but cried.

I don’t know how but I had the foresight of removing my jewelleries and bringing my own maternity sanitary pads and clean undies. I think the pragmatic side of me knew I was going to give birth but the emotional side of me was still in denial.

We reached the public hospital, headed straight for the labour hall. They wheeled me in, plonked me on the examination bed. I kept telling the nurses and doctor to help my babies, to help me stop the pain, stop me from giving birth. I begged them to stop the contractions. A nurse said in malay, “Sorry, but you’re definitely giving birth cause you’re in such pain”.

A young doctor on duty gave me a vaginal examination with a speculum and as soon as she inserted it, my water broke. At that moment, I wish I could just die and not feel anything. I knew for sure that my babies were not going to make it. She then proceeded to say that she could feel either fingers or ear.

The labour

Not long after, another doctor came. He introduced himself and mentioned that he’s a specialist and he would take care of me. I have heard of this doctor before and was slightly relieved that he would be taking over. He told me that I had to deliver the babies now and they will try their best. At that point I was in so much pain I just wanted everything to be done and over with.

They wheeled me to the labour room and immediately I started pushing. After a few pushes, I felt the burning sensation of baby crowning and I saw my boy came out. He looked purple. They immediately took him away. When Liam came out he was pink and covered in vernix.

Then, doctor said the girl was breech and he kept massaging my stomach to try to turn her. They also wheeled in an ultrasound machine to scan my belly to check her position. I kept pushing as hard as I could eventhough my contractions had kind of died down. Eventually she too came out, also purple. It’s not even 12am yet.

After my placentas were expelled, they cleaned me up and I waited for Gareth to come in. The doctor told me kindly that they’re doing everything they can with the babies but to be prepared for bad news. I nodded. After all that pain, I was feeling numb.

Gareth finally came in with Liam. We talked about what happened and told ourselves that we would be fine if the twins died as it’s better than for them to be alive with severe disabilities.

Gareth and Liam in the birthing room.

The paediatrician came in to tell us that neither twin made it. They lived for about 45 minutes. He explained that they couldn’t really breathe on their own and that they were severely bruised due to the trauma from the birth as their skin was not strong enough. My girl was bruised on her back as she was breech while boy was bruised all over his face as he was born head first.

We didn’t cry. He asked if we would like to see them, and we said no. We told them to just deal with their bodies. A nurse in the room kept telling us to see them but we kept saying no.

After that, they said the “Forensics” were on the way and told Gareth to wait for them. We waited for a while more but Liam was getting really cranky so I told Gareth to just take Liam home. The forensics people never arrived. Now we understand that by “Forensics” that they had meant people from the mortuary.


After Gareth and Liam left, I was wheeled to my ward. I was on pitocin drips to get my womb contracting back to its original size – it was painful. Bad cramp after bad cramp for hours. In between cramps, I cried as the reality of the situation started sinking in.

My babies, my children are gone forever. I delivered 3 babies but I only have one with me. Why? Why did my son and daughter have to die? Why couldn’t I keep them in? They were healthy, thriving babies. No troubles for 6 whole months to suddenly delivering them in just 5 hours. It’s all so fucked up the more I thought about it.

As a fully paying patient, I got my own air-conditioned room with en-suite in the public hospital. In hindsight, I am so glad I got the privacy as I got to cry, groan and wail in my own room without disturbing anyone. I couldn’t imagine myself holding it together while being in a ward filled with women and their newborns (in public hospital the mothers are expected to take care of their babies right after birth).

I did not sleep at all. I couldn’t. I had a lot of time to myself to think. After the shock had passed, I longed to see my babies. I messaged Gareth that we had to see them and he agreed as well. As for what to do with their bodies, we decided to still let the hospital handled them. No ceremony.

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My 2015 in a nutshell

This is such a long post it took me almost 3 weeks to write. I wanted to publish this on 1st of January lols.

Most of the pictures and recollections are from my Dayre account, which I updated every single day for the whole of 2015. This is also why I hardly blogged here hehe.

I guess it’s a really quiet 2015 as I am no longer working full-time. Just picking up temp jobs here and there (stuff that I could do at home) and blogging of course. I did lunch catering and supplying yummy pork cracklings to a watering hole for a few months due to my sudden existential crisis brought on by full-time motherhood. I really enjoyed it but I have since stopped due to cost factors (GST and rise in tolls are real!!!). So anyway, if you have any writing jobs etc please show them my way, thank you very much!

Sorry I digressed. 2015 was nice year, I really enjoyed watching Liam hit all his milestones and becoming the cutest toddler in the world hehe as you will about to see too.

Again I remind you, this is a lonngggggggggggggggggggggg post so please empty your bladder before reading (I assume all 3 of you are interested in my life!).

January 2015

It’s been more than half a year after Liam was born. We finally got to have a proper family outing after many months of house arrest due to Liam’s prematurity (his doctor advised us to stay indoors for a whole year but we could only manage 8 months). So what did we do for our first outing? We chose to have tea at Carcosa Sri Negara. It was really nice to dress up a little and hang out with my fambam :)

January is also a month where Liam got a mysterious insect bite under his eye. He looked terrifying lol. I was surprised by how calm we were about it, I guess after going through those weeks in NICU, a little swelling under the eye felt like a breeze haha. We did read up a bit and it’s probably just his young baby skin’s reacting to an ordinary mossie bite as he still had not developed antibodies towards them.

And it’s the month he started to get very amused by ME! :)

February 2015

A lot of firsts for Liam in this month. I know this post should be mostly about me but really, who are we kidding? His life is my life now hahaha.

February was the month Liam celebrated his first Chinese New Year! Doesn’t he look like a proper chinese person? Heheheh.

Had CNY dinner with the girls and it’s the first time Liam was properly introduced to them. He was very charming and well-behaved :)

Liam’s first exposure to banana leaf rice! He was such a darling, charming all the waiting staff as usual.

He also took his first shopping trolley ride and loved it.

And I have to include a picture of him having fallen asleep while touching his toe. Too adorable!!!!

March 2015

In March, I wrote a blog post on the reasons my son cries. Please read it cause it’s funny!

Liam experienced his first baby spa with his buddies. He absolutely enjoyed it, the massage and the swim.

Look at how happy he is getting a butt rub hahaha

His first tooth started to sprout around this time too.

This is also the month where he started “talking”.

He also started to pull himself up to a standing position.

March is also hubs’ birthday month so I took him to a French restaurant to celebrate. Liam was very well-bahaved, I was so proud of him!

We had a family photoshoot with the talented Samantha Yong.

April 2015

Liam chilling by himself while me and hubs went to play some stupid game at Tesco.

He got very friendly with his own reflection :)

April is also the month we had to lower down his cot cause of this….

One of the hardest things I had to do was throwing away all these frozen milk that I produced. Was too lazy to thaw them for bath etc and I needed space pronto so in the bin they went :(

Someone also started to develop a temper with arching back and all.

Liam finally learnt how to crawl.

And he also knew how to use the walker with some assistance.

But not that great at it….hehehe.

May 2015

In May, I went for a 2 hour foot massage with a baby strapped to my chest. I was nuts and I will never ever do it again lols

And then got further value with a foot spa at home. Thank you Charlie’s poop.

I celebrated my first Mother’s Day. Hubs took me to Mei by Fat Spoon for a nice lunch.

Hubs also took us to Cherating for a Mother’s Day treat. It’s Liam’s first beach experience :)

We took Liam to swim at a friend’s condo. He got submerged for the first time.

We even got his WTF expression underwater lols.

We brought him to Daddy’s barber. He’s been many times since, hope he gets familiarised and won’t throw a tantrum when the time comes for his first haircut (which is a long time away at this rate hahaha).

June 2015

I started SnapChat and I still love it now. You can follow me at kimberly.low you will find lotsa videos of me and Liam haha

Baked my first red velvet cake and gave it all to my lunch catering customers.

Certainly a special month as we celebrated Gareth’s first father’s day :) I took him to a nice seafood restaurant and we had a proper feast!

Bub took his first mall ride and loved it!

Liam was beginning to show a good sense of humour. Here he laughs at his own yawn hehe.

Liam started to become more exploratory, which means….more getting stuck lols

Here’s one..

Another one…

And another one…

July 2015

My favourite month because it’s my birthday month! And also Liam’s. And also my best friend Jayna’s :)

First we celebrated Jayna’s birthday. Jayna is Liam’s godma.

Liam ate strawberry for the first time. He hated it.

We did waterplay at home. I am obviously posting this picture because I will never get to keep these boobs forever.

Got my son his first passport.

Liam learnt to get down from a sofa, finally!

He also ate crackers for the first time.

And he has the perfect tongue dance hahaha.

Hubs got me an Anova precision immersion circulator for my birthday….which means I can sous vide food at home now!!!!

And then he treated me to a fabulous dinner at Dewakan. 13 courses with a baby, we were pretty damn brave and crazy.

Liam also celebrated his first birthday! Here, he’s holding his birthday card from granny Susan.

August 2015

First we had a party at home to celebrate Liam’s first birthday. His adjusted age was only 10 months but who’s counting? Haha.

Then we flew to Europe for a 3 week holiday! I blogged about Liam’s inaugural flight.

Liam met Aunt Jean for the first time.

Had a picnic with granny Susan by River Severn.

Liam finally learnt how to clap his hands to “If you’re happy and you know it” song.

Of course, there’s no shortage of Liam getting himself stuck…. this time on top of a suitcase lols.

Besides England, we drove to France (Dunkerque), Belgium (Brussels, Westvleteren, Ieper and Antwerp), Holland (Rotterdam and Amsterdam), Germany (Villingen-Schwenningen) and Switzerland (Schaffhausen). We did a lot of driving and Liam was, for most of the journey pretty good.

Here, he moved to the music we were listening to in the car.

And also visited LooLoo, my best friend and maid of honour who now lives in Germany.

Looloo took us to Rhine Falls in Switzerland, what a magnificent sight!

I also joined the Bersih 4.0 in London while babywearing Liam and we took a picture with Clare Rewcastle Brown. Hope 2016 is a better year for our country :(

And we had a family tongue dance in London’s Primark haha.

September 2015

Liam ate his first chicken nugget OMG!!! It took all my mental strength to not freak out and remove it from his hand haha.

In this month I baked my very first cinnamon rolls. So delicious and easy I should make them often as it’s so much easier with a breadmaker to do all the hard work of kneading and proofing. But I have yet to make more hahah #lazy

Liam got stuck, what’s new?

He’s also taken to giving me heart attacks every now and then. Here he’s climbing up the sofa like a monkey.

And this lucky boy also got to meet the celebrities in the form of Hi-5. He doesn’t know it yet but he will probably be very thrilled with this picture one day :)

October 2015

This is our wedding anniversary month. We didn’t do much but I felt much loved as the husband bought me the holy trinity of nasi lemak for anniversary breakfast…paru, sotong and seeham :)

Liam also got stuck on top of the footstool. Sometimes he forgets that he knows how to get down.

Doesn’t stop him from getting onto the footstool all the time though….

And boy has he developed a character. He learnt how to say no at mealtime grrrrr

And that’s why he deserved to be bullied by his father hehehehe

November 2015

November started with Liam getting stuck. Yeap.

I even have a video hahaha. Great parenting eh?

Hubs took me to eat at In-N-Out popup restaurant. We found out about it quite late and made it in the nick of time. In fact we were the last customers before they closed up! Worth the drive.

I sewed a pair of shorts for Liam….it was horrendous. He was horrified as you can see.

This is also the month that Liam had fevers for a few days and eventually admitted to hospital for a night as there was a dengue scare.

Fortunately it wasn’t dengue and he probably was just having a particularly bad teething phase.

We found out that he was suffering from diet related anaemia though as I hadn’t fed him much meat except for fish…I felt quite shitty for being so stupid. Now he gets meat everyday!

Had a babycino after getting better. Not his first but he’s too cute in this picture!

And finally, Liam walked properly for the first time!

December 2015

Before we knew it, it was December.

I attempted to make pulut panggang. Too much work, haha I will stick to buying them in the future!

Liam went to his first book fair. He had a ball pushing the plastic trolleys all over the hall.

He also pooped on the throne for the first time, yipeeee!

I made mince pies for the first time. The mince was storebought though #cheatbake

Liam and I dressed up as flapper girl and newspaperboy for a prohibition era party :D

Had our annual Xmas party and it was wonderful :)

Liam ate lemon for the first time and he was unperturbed by it haha

He also learnt how to get down from out extra tall bed. It’s quite scary to watch but he does it like a pro now.

Hubs took us for a staycation in KL to usher in new year. We didn’t get to see fireworks though cause they closed the rooftop a few hours before midnight -__- but we had a nice time swimming when it reopened the next day. Don’t ask me where this hotel is cause I will not recommend it haha. I am sure you can find it yourself if you’re resourceful enough.

Me and Liam eating traditional local desserts from a stall in KL. We had so much fun playing tourists in our own city :)

So there…my review of 2015 done. Did you read everything? I think 3 weeks really isn’t so bad for a post this long haha. As promised, it’s really more about Liam than me haha but that’s alright because he is my life <3

I don’t really have resolutions for 2016, I just wish to be a better person, better mother, better friend and a better wife. And sew some stuff my family and I can wear out in public.


To read about my highlights in previous years, click:

2011 (this one was a cheat, honestly was too broke saving for the house until no activities hahaha)

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