What to blog?
Sometimes I do miss the early days of my blogging. I could share, gloat and rant with youthful abandonment.
It’s not the same anymore. I find it so hard to put my thoughts into writing, afraid of polluting the universe with negative energy. Yes, I sound exactly just that – a kumbaya singing weirdo.
But I do mean every word, I mean it when I say I am trying not to poison my environment with negativity. I believe it and I feel much peaceful and calm eversince I accepted the fact that whatever that I say or write, they linger on for a long, long time.
I do try to be a better, accepting person. I try everyday. In fact I try in my every waking moment. Some days I take to it like duck to water, some days I struggle. I struggle bad.
And sometimes, especially when I haven’t had enough sleep or have had an especially long & hard day, I’d let it take me. The bitchiness, the snarky remarks, the viciousness inside me.
And when the sweet fruit of retribution is there, just lying there?
I long to pick it up and eat the fuck out of it. I will chomp and chomp and chomp, licking the sweet nasty juice off the corner of my lips, and chomp again, spitting the seeds out like they don’t matter. And I would do it all with a smile.
But mostly these days, I close my eyes and I breathe. I count one to ten. I think about how disappointed I would be with myself for succumbing to being a bitch. I don’t like being a bitch….been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
And for what?
For that smidgen of satisfaction from upsetting someone I dislike. Someone I don’t really even know? Why am I upset with someone I don’t even really know?
Yeah, bitchiness is starting to sound a lot like stupidity.
Kimberly, The more I read of your blog the more likeable you become.
Indeed you are showing signs of impending wisdom.
I don’t like being a bitch….been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Great self assessment. I agree that just once and awhile, that nasty and justified mean worded comeback feels really good.
For just that moment.
The next moment any satisfaction is gone. You have the t-shirt, and that’s about all.
Realizing someone is trying to provoke you, or your hubs, gives you the ability to defuse or avoid a nasty confrontation.
Your ability to count to 10, take a deep breath, and either walk away or deliver a mild and thoughtful response shows that you are just about ready to become a mom!
By some coincidence, I have lately been pining for those same good old, bad old days. Who can forget your epic fight with Xiaxue??? And that PPS2 bash thing???
Suertes, let’s leave the past where is lies. Kimberly and Xiaxue have moved onto married life. Xiaxue has a child now, and Kimberly & Gareth hopefully will be blessed with a child soon.
Learning from that fight is the best Kimberly could accomplish. There will be bigger events and ideas to fight over in the future.
Why fight in the first place? The path forward with learning from the differences between people with what seems opposing ideas can lead to all involved coming away not only cooperating, but smarter, energy saved, and knowledge shared, expanded and benifits for many.
Of course this is MHO, not Ms. Kimberly’s.
Totally agreeing with you.
You deserve 10 pats on your back for trying everyday. Damn easy to say, takes million folds to put it into action.
Trying can be so exhausting. You are doing perfectly fine!
Bitching every once is a while is perfectly normal. Losing a little control is part of a balanced soul. ;)
Vanessa, You stated, Losing a little control is part of a balanced soul. ;)
Losing real control is actually part of insanity.
Almost everyone loses their temper at one time or another. Women call it bitching. However keep in mind what Kimberyly said,
“For that smidgen of satisfaction from upsetting someone I dislike. Someone I don’t really even know? Why am I upset with someone I don’t even really know?”
Kimberly has gained enough wisdom to realize that getting upset about a statement from a person she has never met is little reason to even get angry.
When people say something nasty or mean about me I look at who made the statement. A staranger sending me a nasty-gram on Facebook is little reaoson to get upset. I rarely respond to nasty-grams. It is simply not going to yeild anything productive.
Often the person writing such words are venting anger.
I’ll grant such people the freedom to express themselves.
Hello David, I see from your point of view.
You mentioned that ‘losing REAL control is actually part of insanity’.
What’s real control anyway?
Emotions? Or that voice in your head? Is real control then, how you let these emotions rule you. Better yet – the way you act or talk in return to all these emotions that you feel?
To me losing control is part of a balanced soul because, I would then, allow myself to feel what emotion comes naturally and I respect it. Letting that event to ruin my day is another whole topic by itself. Hence bitching, also, has no co-relation to losing control.
Life is full of ups and downs. This is no lie. Feeling frustrated over trivial matters sounds dumb – but sometimes you (I) just do. Some days I bitch of course ( when my tolerance for crap is a total zero) and other days I just let it go.
Kimberly is wise, there’s no doubt. Writing may be just an outlet to describe what she feels about bitching. She’s in great control of her emotions.
And of course you are wise too, knowing that there’s no productive yield answering to nasty/angry grams.